http://x3e.xanga.com/8a5f9350c7633274621503/b218908778.jpg

http://x0c.xanga.com/f89f626113c31274621501/b217842442.jpg

she could only admit it to herself; it still hurt. they all said she would feel better in time, that the pain will fade and that she will get over it. but the thing is she hadn't moved on, she hadn't forgotten a thing and it was eating away at her. every single memory, every conversation, every phone call, every hug, every single little thing she could recall so clearly in her mind. everytime she tried to let it go, try to forget all the things that once were, her mind would let her down. she could not in a thousand years forget any part of her old life. because it was then that she was happy. and now that he was gone, she was so undoubtedly miserable that she held on to every single thing. her happiness. him. everything.

guys drink to forget about the girls, girls drink to think back about the guy. when guys are in love, they become poor. when girls are in love, they become beautiful. guys can forget, but can't forgive. girls can forgive, but can't forget. guys break up when they feel love from another girl. girls break up when they feel seperation. guys feel curiousity towards all girls. girls feel curiousity towards guys that are interested in them. when guys are heartbroken, they try to forget about the girl by going out with another girl. when girls are heartbroken, they try to find his characteristics in another guy. but finally, guys wish to be her first love, while girls wish to be his last.

It's odd, I sit down with so much time on my hands to write and I sware I forget how. There's so many thoughts rushing through my mind, and I want to release them, to free them from circiling in my mind driving me completely crazy and I can't. My mind jumps from my parents to my brothers to my grandparents, to my job, to the people i work with, to my eating disorder, to my recovery, to my friendships, to my failed relationships. I just want to wake up one day, and think my life can't get any better. I'm not saying I have a bad life, my life is good. I have two parents that love me - though they have their issues, I have two older brothers that are like my own personal body guards, even though I hardly see one of them anymore. I suppose I'm thinking of the overall view of my life right now, and not just the bits and pieces of day by day. I finally got my car on the road, the freedom I've been dreaming of. My hours got cut at work, I'm down to 32 hours instead of 40 and I'm pretty pissed. I have bills I need to pay. I should be starting school in the spring, if everything works out like I'm hoping. I dropped out of school two years ago, when my best friend passed away from cancer. At least I have my GED. That counts for something right? Apparently not. Anyways, as far as my eating goes today is going to be a good day. I'm going to keep everything down today, but I can tell today I'm not happy with the way I look. I met this guy, he's pretty great I suppose. He makes me smile, and laugh. It's not hard to make me smile, but there's something different about the way I smile when I talk to him. I don't have butterflys in my stomach, my heart doesn't beat any faster, I don't get nervous talking to him. I'm just comfortable. It's nice. Well it would be nice if he didn't live about two/three hours away. Well I'm off to the place that holds my paycheck hostage..hmm.